You will always be too much for some and too little for others

Several years ago I was smack dab in the midst of a toxic work environment. Caught between the staff member I was working under and my morals, I started writing down all the things I observed. I had a full notebook by the end of the year. I took all those words, summarized them in a report and decided to ask for a meeting. That meeting was not easy and the outcome wasn’t the best.

I started that summer dried out, like a prune. I was overwhelmed with my circumstances, fatigued from hours of work, burnt out on evangelical Christians and their seemingly hypocritical behavior. I felt unhinged. I didn’t fit in anymore. I felt alone.

I found sanctuary at a small yoga studio. Sometimes twice a day, I’d show up with my mat. As soon as I stepped onto that space, I repeated three words to myself.

I AM ENOUGH.

For that entire summer, I showed up on that mat. That’s all I did. Show up.

Those three words and that summer of constant repetition marked a life change for me. For the decades prior, I had tried so many things to improve myself. I’d run marathons and races. I’d weight lifted and attended aerobic classes. I tried positive self talk and community groups. I’d worked hard to try to overcome the monkeys in my head. I felt deficient as a mom. I felt too liberal in my beliefs. I talked too much. I was too much for some and too little for others.

I didn’t realize, until my summer of yoga, how much personal mantras matter.

The words you say to yourself; those words are life or death.

Over the past year I’ve been hitting the delete button on a lot of “friends” on social media. I’ve noticed a trend; particularly as Covid continues to stomp down our doors. People are discontent yet that angst is housed in betterment.

“I’m on a health journey.” “I’m creating a positive home environment.” “I’m working off all those quarantine pounds.” “I’m about self love.” I’m about inclusivity.” Hashtags have become the new language.

How about just saying “I’m enough.”

I’m worthy of this moment. I’m enough when I drink three glasses of wine. I’m enough when I overindulge in Halloween candy. I’m enough when I yell at my kids so loud that my neighbors ask if everything is okay. I’m enough when I work hard. I’m enough when I sit on a couch all day. I’m enough when I forget to send a card. I’m enough when I get angry on the road. I’m enough when I get the list done.

I’m enough because you’ll never be all the things for all the people.

It’s hard to stay in the space of just being. NOT DOING but being.

For the past 40 days I made a commitment to myself. I’d head to my mat for at least 20 minutes each day.

When I reached the end of October, I realized something new for me. The mat was a “I want to do” not a “I have to do.” It wasn’t about getting strong or losing weight. It wasn’t about accomplishing a goal. It was a simple quest. Just step on the mat and say three small words.

Maybe today you need to start saying to yourself.

I AM ENOUGH.

You are enough. You are worthy of all the good simply because you are enough.

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