Heart work

During COVID, I had some time on my hands. I wasn’t traveling and I knew I had some hard heart work to do. It was rough. Zoom EMDR sessions are challenging. Digging up your crap and wrestling with the “Why” behind the behavior sucks.

For 8 weeks I showed up and worked. I didn’t sleep much. My brain was working overtime, processing the subconscious messaging I was redoing in my brain. I was irritable and moody. I walked for hours each day, working out my words and my pains while trying to make sense of the normalcy of covid and quarantine.

Heart work is like that. Therapy, when done right, is not easy. It messes with what is status quo and challenges every bit of your secret places. Little things, unbeknownst to me, had become really big things. Little words had blown up and invaded the sacred spaces of me.

I’m so glad for every tear and hard fought redo. I had no idea that when the work ended, the big exam was coming.

A week ago, my favorite job ended. COVID has effectively eliminated so much for so many people. This job, trip leader for Compassion, filled my heart to the brim. I was able to travel with the BEST people, see work that truly had longterm/eternal impact. The experience of missionary kid life combined with years of nonprofit work was such a perfect backdrop for this job. I felt needed. I felt wanted.

Freedom Jump

Here’s the thing though. When the message came through, I wasn’t distraught. I wasn’t upset or alarmed. I realized it was going to be okay. I had experienced in two years, journeys and people and friendships that many never get to have EVER.

This transition has been calm for me; full of surrender and peace. I go back to the 8 week heartwork journey and I say “THANK YOU” to myself. Without that toolbelt and redo of words, I would not be here today.

If you are on the ledge, thinking that maybe there might be something more to this life than just the next thing, figure it out. Jump in, break through the ice cold water and do the work. It’s hard. Not going to lie. BUT it’s rewarding.

If you are trying to figure out what just what the next thing is; stop, breath and say thank you to yourself. You’ve gotten to this point. You are worthy of so much.

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